Autobiographies of Dalits www.dalitindia.com
A commentary on Indian caste system Note: Author is American raised non Dalit Indian woman student of Boston University
	Annie Shah 26 Humboldt Avenue Boston University Burlington, MA 01803-3633

"Mom, what the hell is the deal with Jains and the caste system?"

"Annie, are you okay? Are you eating enough? Do you have enough money? Did you talk to my friend, Niru?"

"Mom, listen, I have always thought that Jains don't believe in the caste system… but after being here without you and dad it seems as though we do believe in the caste system and that…"

"Annie, can we NOT talk about this while you are calling me long distance?"

Being in India without my parents for the first time made me feel both farther away from them than I have ever felt, and closer to them than I have ever felt. I met with my mom's childhood friend who she has not seen since the 11th grade. I met her husband and children, all of whom my mother has never met. I gave them cashews and almonds, which are considered generous gifts in India. Niru Masi refused to take them and I refused to take them back and I eventually walked away without letting her dispute the matter any further. I'd seen my mom do this sort of thing hundreds of times. It was fun mimicking her. I put money in the hands of Niru Masi's grandchildren. I gave 501 rupees to each of them. Indian people give money in increments ending in 1. It's good luck. I was able to have conversations in Gujarati where I even impressed myself. Being in the country where my parents were born and raised elicited feelings of pride for me. I was doing the things, acting in the social ways that I have seen my mom act for the last 20 years. I was representing my mom and her entire family when I stepped into Niru Masi's home. I felt very grown up. I felt very comfortable.

Well, I thought I felt very comfortable. And while I was representing my family, I realized that I was not representing myself. What I did not know on day one of our visit to India, was that this would be my first trip to India as a foreigner. For me, the best part of travelling has been that I feel as though I have a child's eye again. Everything that I have seen since we set sail in September has been as though I am seeing something for the first time. I am learning how to define and process everything. But I did not do this when I reached India. This was all stuff that I had seen before, done before, experienced before. Wrong!

Watching the rest of the Semester At Sea students get hustled by the Indian rikshawalas was not something that I was going to be a part of. I put on an extra thick skin to avoid being scammed. I was cold and to the point. I did not exercise any discussion. I was a patron and the cab drivers were doing me a service. The homeless people on the street broke my heart like they do every time I go to India. But in the past, I used to tug on my mom and dad's sleeve until they gave me a coin or some food to give the homeless children. I couldn't do such things during this trip. I hardened my face and pretended not to be effected. I felt exhausted and terrible at night before going to bed.

It was at this point on this idle night when I realized I was not representing myself. This is not the way that I treated the cab drivers and the homeless children in Vietnam or in Boston for that matter. I talked to them, I tried my damnedest to get to know them and understand their situations. I know that I got scammed a little bit here and there, but it didn't upset me. For some reason, I had equated being tough in India as being more Indian. But the Indian part of me was the part that wanted to know about the situation of those less fortunate than I am. It was the Indian part of me who wanted to connect with my fellow Indian brothers and sisters.

Ever since I was young, I have wondered why I was born in the States. There was a period of time when I was younger where I attested it to being lucky. I didn't want to be subservient like my female cousins. I liked the luxuries that I enjoyed in the States. Later on in life, I decided that I was unlucky that I was born in the States. My mother and father moving to America had stripped of my culture. This last time when I went to India, it became apparent that I was born in the States so that hopefully I can someday use my privilege to help India and to educate people about India.

When I woke up in the morning, my child eyes were back. And like a child learning that Santa Clause isn't real, I realized that a lot of things that hurt me and made me reevaluate the truths in my life. I have grown up believing that my family does not believe in the caste system. Not only did I think that we did not believe in the caste system, I believed that I had nothing to do with the caste system. My family is Jain, a religion that was formed because we denounced the caste system. But when I realized the social hierarchy that I play into when I am in India, I realized that I am a product of society.

In my visits to India, I have never touched a homeless person. I have never eaten with a homeless person. I have never asked a cab driver what his name is or engaged in conversation with him. This is probably the situation for a lot of people. But this is not my usual MO. Back home, I am known by my friends to talk to the cab drivers in Boston. I get made fun of for it. Cab drivers have always intrigued me. They all have a story, they're from countries all around the world, and they know everything about the city in which they live. I always ask the homeless people near my campus what their names are. I never walk by a homeless person in Boston if they have asked me for money or addressed me. If I don't want to give somebody change, I make the conscious effort to say "sorry," or "no." I believe that not being recognized as a human being is one of the cruelest things you can do to someone. I do not make a habit of ignoring someone who has addressed me. But all of these rules have never applied to me in India. I have ignored people in India who have begged me for money. And I was faced with the question of why my behavior is the way it is on this last trip?

It is because I play into the social order of life in India. And when I say caste system, I do not necessarily mean the untouchables. But I do play into a system of social hierarchies. In the past I have always thought that this was a matter of economics. But looking at it now, I doubt it.

India is set up in a very strict social order. People belong in rungs of society. And people are valued in accordance. Cab drivers were shocked, and even told me so, when I was touching them and taking pictures with them. I took a group of 8 young homeless children out to dinner in India. The waiter at the restaurant looked at me as though I was crazy. I could tell that the young boys saw me as more American than Indian because I was spending so much time with them. I wanted them to just see me as human. I was learning to just see them as human. In the past, they were just the inevitable realities of India. In the past, I gave them a few rupees and walked away. But when I was eating with Ravi, Shankar and Siddharth I felt as though I was breaking social barriers that I have been a part of for my entire life. Sharing a meal with them was much more meaningful than giving them a handout. We sat at the same table, eating the same food as equals.

The feeling I got from touching these people and being close to them was a feeling of utter pride. India is a country with so much sadness and poverty, but resting on top of it is beauty and hospitality. The boys that I ate with were loyal to one another. The oldest one was 12 years old. Not a single one of them ate their food until they made sure that the other boys had their food too. But India is also a country of contradiction. This contradiction is most obvious when I look at Jainism.

Jainism is a religion, which believes in nonviolence and the idea of ahmisa. Ahimsa means not to kill or harm any living creatures. Some Jains go as far as to cover their mouths with handkerchiefs so that they won't accidentally swallow any organisms. Jains do not eat any vegetables from underground because it is believed that more organisms from the dirt are harmed when you pick such vegetables. Most Jains are involved in trade and not agriculture because they do not want to hurt organisms while farming. And beyond that, Jainism is supposed to be a model of ethics for human nature. And the biggest ideal for Jains is to give up all worldly possessions so that they may reach a state of nirvana, where their conscience is free from their body. You would think that homeless people who have nothing would have a step up on such devout Jains.

My tone is bitter because I feel as though devout Jains have not helped the situation of untouchables, and I feel as though Jains belong to the high rungs of the social hierarchy in India and do not help those less fortunate. Mahavira, a contemporary of Buddha, founded Jainism. Originally, he was a Kshatriya noble. He developed the idea of Jainism because he did not believe in the caste system. It seems to me that a religion that espouses such nonviolence, ethics and is primarily based against the caste system ought to have done more for the situation of caste in India. But Jains have simply become part of the caste system.

In the social order of things, we are descendants of the Kshatirya noble Mahavira. The people we can marry are in accordance with that social standing. I have heard my relatives say things like, "well, we're considered higher than them." I remember how my sister's boyfriend's Brahmin family was haughty about the fact that they were higher up than my family, and I remember my mother rebuking by explaining that their sub-caste was not as prestigious as my family.

I am pretty angry with all of this. I am also becoming quite aware of the fact that the Indian youth in America don't really have a clue. But, whether we like it or not, we represent these ideas of our ancestors subconsciously when we go to India. This was affirmed by the fact that Minal Kode's sentiments and emotions were quite similar to mine as we traveled through India.

It is obvious to me that the Dalits in India need a charismatic leader. It is also obvious that socially, the structure of India needs desperately to be changed. There will always be poor people, but the treatment of these people needs to change. I am convinced that such a beautifully hospitable country is capable of this.

I am excited to talk to my parents about such things. I need to understand what they think of these social hierarchies. Although I had my first experience in India as a foreigner, I left feeling more Indian than I ever have. It is the first time that I have felt a sense of responsibility to the country from which my parents belong… from the country which I belong to as well.

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